Who Gives A Rat's Ass?
by Maritza Manga
Summary: I take the English language and splunk it straight up the wall with this one. A story of poking fun at Mary Sues from the future,and other m rated fun.
1. Kind of Prologue

**Disclaimer:** I don't ownz the pirated, but I ownz the other things. Like a shiny comic book collection. In your face Disney.

**Before the reading be start: **Just so you know, I'm fucking dirty. And I make a lot of references to boy-on-boy sex. I understand that some of you would like to be warned beforehand. To these warned people I would like to apologize for the fact that they are ignorant, narrow minded douches.

With all due respect,

Suck it.

_Who Gives a Rat's Ass?_

_By: The awsomez Michelle_

_The Part What is Come Before the Beginning_

It was safe to say that before the plot bunny, things were going well in the Caribbean.

_fade in to shiny blue water _

Jack's bonny lass was absolutely, stunningly, disgustingly beautiful. And brilliant. And kind. And sexy. And adjectively. She was twenty-five in like the sixteen or seventeen hundreds, and not a wrinkle in sight. She had amazing hygiene and a balcony you could do Shakespeare off of. Of course the historians reading this will know that this is utter bullshit. (Really, it's just not possible. See, everyone in that day and age was incredibly ugly. Only the rich were passable for le sex in their 20-30's, and even then they weren't exactly do-able by today's standards. Disney has blatantly lied to you all. I suggest we all start a riot. The mouse shall bend to our will.> :0).

Anywho, let us call her Silla DeLaculo. (At this point Spanish and maybe Philipino people giggle. For the white folks- it means chair of the ass.)

They reproduced like rabbits.

Will and Elizabeth (though madly in love with eachother) have had problems which will be devoid of explanation altogether, so that Will can have a hot steamy relationship with some OC I shall call Gran DeTettas (translation: big tits). She was like…perfect too.

So, both Jack and Will are dating supermodels, which they are madly in love with and devoted to. And also the girls are best friends from the future who just watched the movie and were transported back in time by a neon green dildo, or some incredible retarded shit like that…yes, there was much devotion in the relationships...

Well, except for that one time Jack and Will got drunk and Jack was like "Maty, y're the only bastard in thess whole sea I can trust, y'get me?" and Will was like "… buttsecks?", which they both merrily partook in.

For a really long time.

Like, crazy long.

If I described it, it would take like…a book.

They wrote the Pirate Karma Sutra in one night.

It's a really good read.

I like the pictures. (:

_ahem_ So, for the sake of tying up loose ends, Elizabeth is dead. A canon ball killed her on the shitter. It was tragic, messy, and bloody embarrassing. So, they re-arranged her body to make it look like she killed herself by way of pen-stabbing. Aside from the cannonball indent and the facial expression, it looked pretty convincing. Her father didn't give a shit because the appearance of the Mary Sues backspace beautiful future girls out of nowhere, gave him strength. And dirty old man thoughts.

Y'know, on second thought, he's dead too. I'm not going to need him. He died in a tragic toaster strudel accident; it was horrible, raspberry jam…everywhere.

So, aside form the secks, it wasn't all that great. I lied to you, just as the mouse did.

_Just then in Jack's mighty captains' cabin of the Pearl…_

"OH JACK! _OH JACK! OH_…**OOOOHHH**…._ung_…Oo**oo**oh. **_Arg_**!" ( _sploosh _), Silla rolled off her rugged pirate-y lover with a contented sigh, She was covered in an assortment of bodily fluids, but for the sake of not making this too disgusting, let's just say a _'glowing sheen'_ (which means sweat). Jack looked at her with confusion, because it suddenly occurred to him that every other chick was an enjoyable poke-and-run, and by committing to this one lass he was denying himself a world of tail. But the authoress gave him a sharp jab in the spine and the confusion turned to love. (Forced love: the best kind of love.). And an hour of pillow talk ensued. This was unusual, because normally the pillow talk lasted for three, but sadly Silla was suddenly struck with a terrible disease and became sick all over herself. Based on a true story.

Instead of seeing this as his chance for sexual freedom and debauchery Jack began freaking out and weeping like a castrato. He would lose his hot super model common law wife who was full of adjective goodness! O noes! ) :

Just then Will and Gran popped in from his cabin, covered with a 'glowing sheen' (probably ready for a kinky foursome, but sadly we will never know.).

"ME BONNY LASS HAS BEEN STRUCK DOWN BY **_DISEAS_**! _O NOES_! Arr!" ) : > Cried Jack (literally), with either raised eyebrows, or a party hat for some reason, you choose.

Luckily Gran used her brilliance to assert that Silla had some terrible disease that was just invented for the sake of this story. The deadly, barely curable TKG! The only cure of which would be found on a long-winded journey through untamed waters, rubber duckies, puns, and a quite a few naked people. Oh, yes, and rum. There would be much rum. "I predict she has a year to live!" declared the self-proclaimed doctor.

Will was pretty much sitting the corner, fantasizing about buttsecks, and giving Jack suggestive gesture and looks, along with occasionally flashing a bit of leg. Gran was too wrapped up in her explanation to notice.

After an hour of this (and a quickie in the janitors closet, I'm not saying who :B ) the crew was setting sail for the east in a race against time.

It took them a month to realize that they were supposed to go west, as there were no wacky adventures happening, so their time limit was considerably shortened.

_To be continued…maybe…_

Will Silla be cured? Will Elizabeth pop back in like a zit? Will I get my ass flamed like cur-azy?

Maybe, yep, and most likey. Tune in for the next update's episode of Who Gives a rat's ass.


	2. 1 talamela

**A/N: **Oi, thanks for the Reviews. And here I was expecting to get a pineapple up the ars from the Mary-Sue supporters. :0

**Disclaimer: **No own, only borrow.

**In last… couple of day's ago's episode…yes.**

Jack Sparrow's gorgeous wife has been struck down by a terrible diseas created solely for the purpose of this story! Or at least, that's what the self-proclaimed doctor Gran says.

The crew sails off into the east in order to find the cure, but realizes after a month of travel that they are sadly supposed to be headed west

_And now, _

_Who Gives a Rat's Ass _

_The_ _Chapter_ _what_ _is_ _after_ _the_ _prologue _

"Gosh darn it," said a very badassed William _1_. He then received a swift crowning via Mr. Gibbs. "Watch your fucking language boy, there be Sparrow Children aboard!"

A swarm of said Sparrow Children were in the corner at the time, and decided Mr. Gibbs had used a very good word indeed; it could be used as an adjective, a noun, even every word in a sentence! They then proceeded to teach it to the other Sparrow children.

And there were A LOT of Sparrow Children. One couldn't open a cupboard, or look under a bed on board without a few spilling out, usually yelling "DADDY!" in hopes that their father would drag himself off their mother long enough to give a rat's ass about them.

Sadly neither he, nor anyone else on board did. The crew had actually considered castrating Jack to be rid of the little buggers, but then they took into consideration the children's uses, like workers, emergency food supplies, canon fodder, etc. They were really mostly around for their charm, as they are in any other fanfic involving them.

As a matter of fact, once the kids got older and either lost their cuteness, or brought attention to the fact that they weren't all that attractive to begin with, they were pretty much put on a lifeboat and left to float away to the Island of Unloved Children.

Make-up supplies and charm were in high demand amongst the aging Sparrow Children.

_Anywho, onto the wacky story._

Jack ran about the ship, doing captainly things, like yelling at the crew, telling Mr. Gibbs where to steer, and mostly sitting around on his ass, feeling sorry for himself. He was in an incredibly bad mood since Silla fell ill. So much so that Will offered him pity sex. (**A/N:** Yes, this is kind of an on-going theme with me). It didn't go well.

They were lustfully clawing at eachother in Will's cabin; their limbs intertwinedin ways that made you wonder how the hell they could both keep their balance. 'Glowingly Sheening' and half-dressed they plopped onto Will's bed, only to slide off, due to the extra-fine sheets Will used for his sensitive skin.

"DADDY!" The thump caused a surprising number of Sparrow Children to pop out from under the bed. "Feck off Jimmothy _2_!" yelled a now sexually frustrated (on top of everything else) Jack, with Will pouting in the corner, knowing the sex wasn't going to happen.

Back to Jack, sitting his ass on the deck. (The crew had grown used to his laziness, as long nights of screwing his Mary-Sue had taken quite a bit of zest out of him.).

Despite Jack's mood, the day was without pathetic fallacy, as it was quite lovely out; although the water _was_ tossing and turning as if it was in a hurricane. For some reason or other, the crew chose not to take any notice of this unusually activity so that I could say…

Just then, completely out of no where, a -"Gigantic vagina!" :0 yelled a random Jimmothy, rudely interrupting the amazing authoress- gigantic sea monster (which, admittedly, was quite vaginal in appearance) popped up.

Gran jumped out of the little dark nook she was hiding in this whole time and declared "AH-HAH! The Puki _3_, just as I foretold we would find on our quest!" and she struck a dramatic pose as she said this. So very dramatic. Jack gave her a sour look and went on for a bit about what the fuck she was talking about, because clearly she had failed to mention this shite. Gran then reminded him of his adjectively-common law wife's eminent death, and he retreated back onto the Deck of Angst.

Gran used her feisty ability of being perfect at everything to plan out a battle strategy, and fight the demon single-handedly within a quarter of an hour. Even though she's a Mary-Sue, and we shouldn't expect less…it was impressive.

After an assortment of internal monster parts went showering over the ship … and crew, and Will comforting Jack (the only way he can in my imagination); the ship exploded…with cries of "Huzzah!" (scared you for a minute there, eh? No:( Okay, I know it's not the best story in the world, but you needn't be such little bastards about it…). And the crew lifted Gran upon mighty shoulders to celebrate her awesomeness … and accidentally knocked her overboard (them pirates and their drinking :D ), but luckily they recovered her before any real damage was done.

While this was happening, Jack went to check up on his wife –who I so did not forget to mention yet- and tossed out some used Sparrow Children who she had made use of to wipe off more sickness she had made all over herself.

Just then Silla turned to her husband with eyes the colour of radiation and passionately said "Make love to me, Jack, while we still can.". After he wiped off a bit of vomit on her chin, he did. Or he might have, if she wasn't lacking a bit of tragedy…

Half way through she declared that she was a virgin, untainted by man's hands, so Jack should be gentle. Jack paused awkwardly and mentally counted how many kids the bitch had popped out before she decided on playing out a Madonna song … ((author Whack)).

So, he cut that shit out, and accepted this information, because someone like Silla couldn't be anything but pure. So they continued with the making of the sex, and where close to the climax when, "Oh Jack, I was abused by my father's sister's friend's cousin's guy-who-took-him-to-the-airport-that-one-time's, dog's humping post's cleaner." Silla let out a tragic sigh, which also served to restore her breath, "This is not the right time.". Jack, being the sensitive, loving pirate he is, accepted this. He let her rest (remember, she's sick with spells of intense projectile-vomiting which conveniently disappear during sex.) and went off into the corner so that he could spank his monkey.

And spank his monkey he did (I shall call him, Little Eduardo), until the next chapter of _Who Gives a Rat's Ass?_

1 Speaking relatively, of course

2 After the 12th was born, Jack and Silla gave up on individual names for their kids, and had them called the 'Sparrow Children', or 'Jimmothy', as a collective. (Here's looking at you Ashleigh-VermillionVenom )

3 Tagalog for Vagina

**A/N:** Goddamn, I think this chapter made me retarded. ..


End file.
